“I don’t have any problem understanding why people flunk out of college or quit their jobs or cheat on each other or break the law or spray-paint walls. A little bit outside of things is where some people feel each other. We do it to replace the frame of family. We do it to erase and remake our origins in their own images. To say, I too was here.” – Lidia Yuknavitch, The Chronology Of Water

How unfair life is

This is not my attempt to complain about my life. I am still guilty of occasional rants on my weight/body image blame it on the media pfftt haha, but I need to be reminded that life does not revolve around my waistline (my universe haha). Yesterday while I was grocery shopping, there was a blind man asking for direction to cash converters. Since it was just few shops away from where we were standing, I walked him there, and it just moves me. After walking away from the cash converters, it hit me that the man might be in need for money. He could be selling his valuables in exchange for groceries (cry a bucket). I prayed so hard that he went there for buying things instead of selling because I just could not handle the fact that I am way fortunate than most people are. For the past few weeks, I have been guilty of spending my money impulsively, blame it on the summer sale, no no blame it on my weak iman (sigh) but after that experience, it humbles me that for some people, money is hard-earned.

I came across a Facebook status/an article on PhD candidate’s life changing experience when she started to ‘serve’ others. Servicing, according to her requires your precious time but in turns rewards her more in the least expected ways. I realise that in terms of serving others, my contribution would border to none. I just wish that I can give more.

“A lot of people run a race to see who is fastest. I run to see who has the most guts, who can punish himself into exhausting pace, and then at the end, punish himself even more.”

– Steve Prefontaine

“It is not blasphemy to see God in the skyline”

I wonder what people here think when they see me in my tudung. Being a Siti in this foreign land is sure a struggle but this experience is distinct than my previous endeavour of wearing tudung. This foreign land experience has seen me being loyal to my tudung, abiding by five times daily prayers and not to mention an increase in those sunat prayers. I get that I am so lucky to have experienced this, you know, but at the same time it is overwhelming. I could surely identify myself with these ‘foreign’ people. Whatever they feel is not foreign, however I do feel that whatever I am feeling is foreign to them.Get what I mean?

For example, in an exchange of small talk we always talk about the weather. I mean it is always fascinating that we never run out of topics as long as we stick to the weather. However, upon reliving this ‘religious’ side of me, I do have this tendency to relate the weather with the supreme and divine creator that I believe in. My fellow Muslim friends, can you relate? I mean it is the kind of habit I want to have – that every thing happens (not for a reason) but because of Allah, that every wonder (or lovely weather we fancy) in this world is His gift. But I am still cautious not to utter anything religious related for being afraid that they sort of reduce my intelligence (read: capability of having intellectual talk). Haha.

What a funny way to put it that way, but they do think like that. Am I wrong to have assumed this? We do sound unnative to you, but our cognitive ability is no lesser than yours. Having said that, I do think that I still need to develop the habit of complementing the Creator in whatever topic I talk. I mean this is for myself really, to remind me that there is a supreme being that is always taking care of me and loving me unconditionally. He is always the One I always confide in, that all those years strayed from His path, (and still do) I am still rich in His blessings, love and care. How can I tell them that see me wearing tudung, or terrorists related, but my endeavor (our endless fight) is always the same, that the loneliness and this gap in myself, it is always there. But now for me it can be reduced by remembering Him.

I do feel that my tudung is just superficial. I must admit sometimes it is just purely more or less a fashion statement than my act of devotion, that I am lost most of the times. How I wish you can see that and accept me without having this notion of how religious I am despite how I appear affiliated to a religion, I am just like you.

I am just a wanderer who is mostly lost, but when I look up and see the skyline, I see hope from the divine.

May Allah reward us all His heaven.

I should remember this day

Today is the day when my academic self was actually acknowledged, and as much as my eye bags tell so many stories of how late I slept and how much I binged eating on instant noodles these past few weeks (or months), today actually marked the beginning of my doctoral journey. Officially it started in last October but for the past of few months I was in a state of limbo. It is like my physical self was actually doing the work – reading, writing, (and catching up on Runningman in between those processes) and submitting what I thought my plan; those days never existed until today. I cannot really say that I did a lot of hardwork, yes I did, but today it feels like I have found where I stand, that I am again this normal being who eventually got accepted into a community of practice, and by community I meant this ‘doctoral world’  that one way of fitting in is by getting approval from my supervisors.

I am still in the state of partly unconscious, not in medical sense, but I could feel myself like finally smiling and at the same time overwhelmed by the next submission date in which I should start working by now but instead writing my thoughts here, and partly enjoying the little success after the meeting just now. And sort of consciously panicking over the limited resources and time to design lesson plans for a whole semester, oh boy where should I start? but at the same time relaxing and writing this down. Can you relate?

Not to mention of the sleepless night I had last night and I woke up with only like one hour before the meeting. I must confess that I did not take a bath, in which for Malaysians it is a crime, but for me it was a waste of time. I dabbed some concealer under my eyes and put on some mascara and some lip tint, not to mention an awful lot of perfume – being presentable was still my major concern but at the end of the day no one really cares the condition of your armpit or how long did it not get proper treatment of having a shower hahahah unless yours truly could convince that she is worthy of being in the academia world. And finally she did.

Starting again

❝You’re wrong about us being on different paths, we’re not on different paths, you’re my path, and you’re always gonna be my path. And I know there’s a million reasons why we shouldn’t be together, but I’m tired, I’m tired of every single one of them, now I gotta make a choice. Gwen I choose you. So — England, both of us. I’m following you now, I’m just gonna follow you everywhere, I’m just gonna follow you for the rest of my life.❞

Kebaikan Tuhan

Kenapa saya sedih bila orang pung pang cakap banjir ni, semua tragedi kat Malaysia ni semua sebab kemurkaan Allah? Sebab kalau betul, saya pun nak rasa musibah ni bagi Allah bersihkan dosa saya.

Saya senang kat sini dengan bermacam-macam kemudahan tapi orang di kampung susah. Kalau boleh saya tukar air mata mereka, kalau boleh saya tukar tempat, mungkin saya tak setabah mereka.

Tolong sebarkan kebaikan tuhan, tolong cerita hakikat sebenar rahmat dan kebaikan Allah bukan beri bala cuma seminggu dua, tapi Dia dah bagi kemudahan setiap masa.

Kesusahan itu hakikat untuk kita lebih mengerti erti bersyukur masih sempat untuk sujud kepada-Nya, bukan hanya murka tapi lebih kepada kasih. Macam mak marahkan anak sebab sayang tapi jauh lagi sayang Dia kepada kita.

Saya bukan ustazah, jauh lagi nak jadi tahfizah, dari 99 nama Allah hanya dua mungkin saya ingat – Ya Rahman ya Rahim,  tapi kerana rasa percaya saya kuat. Rasa yakin saya akan sentiasa selamat, kerana Dia yang menjaga. Ujian saya, ujian awak lain-lain, tapi saya doa supaya kita semua dalam kalangan yang sentiasa memuji kebesaran Tuhan, kerana sayang Dia lebih dari marah Dia.

Mungkin seminggu awak tak dapat connection phone untuk hubungi bantuan manusia, mungkin connection putus untuk awak hubungi family. Tapi sebab awak ada Dia. Dia dengar keluh kesah awak.  Bukan sebab Dia marah tapi sebab sayang.

Ujian saya, ujian awak lain-lain. Rezeki awak, rezeki saya juga lain-lain tapi yang pasti semua ini perlu buat untuk saya fikir kecik nya kita jika dibandingkan kuasa-Nya.

Kenapa saya nak sebarkan kebaikan Tuhan? Sebab saya hanya harap sayang Dia untuk teruskan perjuangan. Kerana rasa sendiri saya cukup untuk buat saya kalah tapi sebab ini amanah.

Saya ada misi. Misi untuk pulang mendidik anak bangsa. Mungkin tak sampai tahap dapat Nobel prize, cukup dengan redha Allah. Mungkin boleh sebar sayang Dia. Sebab saya antara penerima sayang Dia sepanjang masa hidup saya. Doakan saya. Semoga kita sentiasa dilimpahi rahmat dan kasih sayang Dia.

Last summer

Dear Dr. R,

Ingat lagi tak jalan kita nak sampai ke Morskie Oko ni? Ingat lagi tak perasaan takut, risau, hari dah makin gelap, kalau stuck dalam hutan ni macam mana?

Ingat lagi tak macam mana rasa bila nak kejar masa so that sempat turun to catch the last bus? Ingat lagi tak no horse carriage nak bawak kita so kita redah hutan like berapa jam, just to see that view.

Ingat lagi susah kita, risau kita, basah kita, sejuk kita, jauh kita dari orang? Tapi bila sampai Morskie Oko tengok cantik tempat tu semua hilang. Bila recall and reflect, tu lah anugerah kita after susah. Semoga awak tabah, berjuang untuk mangsa banjir kelate yang sakit. Semoga susah awak sekarang dapat senang macam tengok Morskie Oko.

Semoga tangis awak boleh dapat ganti senyum macam ni. Sweet kn saya? Haha. Okbai

To die or to sleep?

“To Be Or Not To Be”: Spoken by Hamlet, Act 3 Scene 1

To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, ’tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish’d. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there’s the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there’s the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor’s wrong, the proud man’s contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law’s delay,
The insolence of office and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscover’d country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o’er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action.–Soft you now!
The fair Ophelia! Nymph, in thy orisons
Be all my sins remember’d.

Kelantan di hatiku?

‘Dulu Umi slalu tak sempat jumpa pak sedara, balik kampung untuk tengok jenazah je la’.

Umi selalu cerita benda dia tak suka bila jadi perantau ni bila ada emergency dekat kampung.

Now I understand that after learning about my aunt who is stuck in Kuala Krai for about a week now. It is unimaginable situation, first by looking at the magnitude of the flood, second by thinking of her having no electricity and any means to contact us. Almost at the same day, just when I got from my junior’s makan-makan, NF texted me saying that he was helping his relatives evacuate, and his family is stuck at Tanah Merah with his last word ‘pray for us’. Coming from him, that is like a scream for help, like dah hopeless sangat lah tu when he shared things like that. Not to mention it was already 4 in the morning and he did not sleep yet after his oncall. That day I locked myself in the room, kalo cakap nangis over je I ni but macam-macam rasa serious sedih.

All channels of information I checked but I am so frustrated when the mainstream media does not show the truth. Then the next day dapat tau plak pasal uncles kat Salor tiga rumah kena pindah tengok fridge, washing machine and barang-barang terapung luar rumah, oh lupa rumah nenek so 4 rumah actually. Mind you our time difference is 8 hours so the chronology in Malaysia dekat-dekat almost the same day but sometimes I only learned things when I woke up. By that time we have lost contact with our aunt for almost three days dah kot, and I mostly relied on Facebook and Twitter, and my best friend in Kelantan. That same day jugak klinik ayah dia habis naik air.

My uncles and their families stayed at my parents house and Umi cerita Abah dapat beli ayam 6 ekor and few kilos of daging, and masa tu kawan-kawan Umi dah xdapat cari lauk so dorang makan rumah kami. Rezeki, Umi cakap. At the same time kami still doa untuk auntie kami and I keep thinking about my family in tanah merah. The media does not do justice to them by only showing some parts of Kelantan that are recovering. Do you know that Doa after Yaasin tu is actually beautiful so that is the doa I keep repeating for my family. I have to write this so that I remember the feelings.

I know there is no point for me to sibuk-sibuk tau or get updated since I cannot do anything good pun to help those affected. Ni lah rupa nye sedih jadi perantau. Tapi xboleh compare sedih lagi those affected. Pengkalan Chepa, where my parents’ house is, sempat juga rasa takde electricty for a while lah. Kelam kabut jugak adik-adik saya bila tak dapat contact Umi dan Abah – gelabah-ly informing me ‘Along kita sebenarnye dah lost contact dengan Umi for six hours’. Saya yang jauh sebenarnya lagi gelabah, rupa nya dah nangis-nangis dorang pastu bila dapat whatsapp Umi dalam group achik cakap ‘haa korang kalau dah tak dapat contact baru nak menyesal’.Baru dugaan macam tu, belum lagi yang tak dapat contact family who got stuck in banjir lagi. I do feel bad for not being there physically for my parents and adik-adik. Takpe korang, Abg A’an korang dekat je ahahs.

That night I did not sleep tengok update Kubang Kerian and area dekat-dekat rumah. The condition in Kuala Krai and Tanah Merah seemed like in a state of chaos cause people there are without food and clean water for days. Hashtag twitter #kelantan je saya check  no more #prayforpantaitimur what not, at the same time ‘selak I suko’ baca tweet kelatekecekkl. Umi texted me cerita lagi, my ayah chik tidur dalam gelap dekat kedai dia, and jalan kaki balik my house without baju? I mean sehelai sepinggang and that was like from pasir mas to pengkalan chepa.  This is like the worst calamity in my family. Alhamdulillah, my house is not affected and my parents do their parts to help whenever and wherever possible. I am praying that it will not be affected, doa anak perantau ni.

Now I understand jugak harapan Umi and Abah bila nak saya kerja dekat Kelantan. I never felt like I belong in Kelantan. I swear I will not let my kids kecek kelate, but because of where my family is, I am proud to say I am a kelate girl. I am more kelate than those kelantanese when I have nasi kerabu and budu. I know Kelantanese voices were not heard, but I have faith that Allah listens to their prayers. I also pray that we will remember Him in good and bad times.